Over the past few months, my family had lost a number of loved ones to natural causes. Some were young, some have spent many years on Earth. While reflecting on the ones we have lost, I started to think about my inevitable end.
As I was thinking about my eventual exit from the world of the living, I started to be filled with dread and fear. I continued to reflect and thought to myself, "What is so scary about dying?" The thought of death itself was not the thought that was scaring me. What scared me the most was not knowing what I was going to leave behind.
I started to look at the people sitting around the funeral home sharing memories, wondering if they would be at my funeral sharing memories as well. Would they be happy memories? Would they be laughing at memories of me? Would they be crying? Would they have no emotion at all?
I wondered if I were to lift my head out of that coffin, would I even have anyone there to show their respect. I even wonder how long it would take anybody to discover that I have died.
So is the fear death illogical? Is what we really feel is a fear that we didn't make an impact on the world? And for me, I now know the answer is that I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid that when I die, I haven't made a big enough impact on anyone to be missed. I'm afraid of the inconvenience my death may cause anyone.
This scares me even more so now that I have a disease that has killed thousands to millions of people. And it terrifies me knowing that my end could be near if I keep living life the way I have. I'm happy to report that I am currently winning that battle, and winning at a quicker pace than most. But I still have work to do not only to forever win this battle, but conquering the fears I have of death.
